BitchScopes: The Bitter Bitchy Truth Of The Zodiac

Aries

(March 21st to April 19th)

They suck at foreplay. Excellent at getting an erection at a minute’s notice, and perfect for a quickie – but totally suck at foreplay. That’s probably because Aries is also known as the infant of the zodiac, and thus the entire concept of “your wants and desires” is alien to them. However, no matter how smart they are, they’re also the easiest to con. Just appeal to their egos and be a damsel in distress.

Taurus

(April 20th to May 21st)

There’s a reason why the word “bully” contains the word “bull”. Represented by the planet Venus, Taurus men and women will always surround themselves by people less attractive than them as it feeds their inherent narcissism to be the “prettiest of them all”. Don’t be fooled by their seemingly cuddly selves, they love their home, their money, their dog, and most of all their food way more than they love you.

Gemini

(May 22nd to June 21st)

Unreliable. They’re excellent flirts and can sweet-talk their way in and out of all kinds of situations. However, ask them to help you out, and all of a sudden the world around them is turning into a chaotic mess and they just can’t help you as much as they would love to. This is the sign that’s most known to post their relationship status as “It’s Complicated” on Facebook. Gemini’s twins are actually representative of the fact that they have multiple personalities – all of whom enjoy fucking with you.

Cancer

(June 22nd to July 22nd)

Absolutely the worst sign to date! The men will compare you to their mothers (you’ll either be incapable of living up to the saint mommy dearest was, or you’ll remind them constantly of how mommy dearest went all “wire hangers” on them), while women will use passive-aggressive borderline maternal guilt-trips as a weapon. This is the sign that can dish out the cruelest jabs at you and laugh as if it was nothing. However, turn the tables on them, and they’ll howl like a baby about how insensitive you are. In their version of the story, you’ll always be the dastardly villain without any redeeming qualities.

Leo

(July 23rd to August 22nd)

Google “douchebag” and you’ll find the image of a Leo man. An aggrandizing prick with a god-complex (ancient pagan religion gods, not old testament punisher) who considers his presence a blessing in your life. You have independent thoughts? A Leo man will laugh at your naïveté. Women of this sign are the kind that’ll be addicted to Instagram and pride themselves of having over a million followers while they just follow a handful.

Virgo

(August 23rd to September 22nd)

Virgo rules nags, spinsters, shrews, and any and every archetype that can lead a productive life without you interrupting them. Everything you do, they can do better, which is a blessing and a curse. Why a curse – that’s obvious! Why a blessing? Well, just feign incompetence and have them do your dirty work. It works like a charm, as long as you’re immune to biting criticism. This is the sign that’ll tell you everything that’s wrong with you and will make it a point that you know it. Get rid of them by bringing out their inner hypochondriac.

Libra

(September 23rd to October 22nd)

They’re whores – period.

Scorpio

(October 23rd to November 22nd)

They’re the psycho-ex that won’t let go, the creepy predator that lures you in with a stare, and the kind that will fuck you over literally and figuratively – but always with a motive. A Scorpio never does anything for kicks. Everything they do is fueled by their inherent love for power and domination. Unless you have something to offer them, be it exquisite good looks, a job promotion, a family inheritance, or political connections, a Scorpio will never have any interest in you. If you have none of the above, and yet your Scorpio friend is with you – they’re just using you for their amusement, smirking away while silently judging you for your mediocrity.

Sagittarius

(November 23rd to December 21st)

Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter – the roman god that fucked everything that had a heartbeat and didn’t hesitate doing so in any form. This is the sign that’s mastered the art of Tinder and sexting. Their sense of humor is the kind that appeals to the lowest common denominator. This is also the sign that suffers most from “foot in mouth disease”. Commitment and accountability is their biggest phobia, and they’ll only love you as long as you don’t expect either of the above from them. Also, you really don’t wanna ask them the question, “Does this dress make me look fat?”

Capricorn

(December 22nd to January 20th)

They’re evil ruthless bitches – and they’re proud of it. Next!

Aquarius

(January 21st to February 18th)

They’re ruled by Uranus, which makes sense, because this is one sign that’s totally full of shit. This is the sign that’s most capable of starting cults where initiates need to perform kinky sex rituals on a regular basis. They’re the kinds who’ll at one moment act like you’re the center of the world, and at the next, treat you like a complete stranger. Aquarius rules beatniks, hippies, punks, grunge, and most of all – hipsters. Thus, it’s impossible to believe they love you, because for all you know, they’ll love you ironically.

Pisces

(February 19th to March 20th)

Known famously as the “Dustbin of the zodiac,” Pisces is forever attached to lost causes. If you’re dating one, it means you’re the lost cause that they’re taking great pride in fixing. The longer you take to “fix” the longer they’ll stay with you – as long as they believe you’re on the path of changing. This is why Marge Simpson is best a Pisces, who still holds onto hope that Homer will change for her. If you’re down in the dumps, have nothing going on for you, and are a loser in every sense of the word – don’t fret, there will always be a Pisces out there who’ll love you. (They’re also excellent in bed.)

[NSFW] What Your Sex Life Is Like, According To The Zodiac

Astrology is a funny thing. I personally don’t believe in it, but when I see horoscopes posted somewhere, I always check mine out. If it’s a good horoscope, I act like I just won something; If it’s a bad horoscope, I remind myself that I don’t believe in that stuff anyway and convince myself that I’m not scared at all.

The whole concept is kind of weird. Based on what time of year you were born, the stars have some sort of outcome on the events in your life. Hopefully, the stars take leap years into account, or else our calendar is going to be totally out sync with their calendar.

Well, it turns out that time of year might actually have an effect on your behavior after all… But it has less to do with the stars and more to do with how environmental conditions affect pregnancies.

Scientists aren’t sure exactly why, but there are correlations between certain seasons and certain behavior patterns. Basically, I don’t really know what they’re talking about, because I’m not a scientist and don’t understand science.

From what I can gather, and this is probably wrong, scientists are saying that astrology is completely true. Based on this, here’s how I assume each astrological symbol affects each person’s love and sex life:

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The symbol for Aries is the ram. That pretty much says all it has to about your sex life. We’d tell you to calm it down, but that’s not what rams do. Not at all.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’re a proud, majestic lover, unless somebody waves a red flag at you. Then you go crazy. You can’t explain it, there’s just something about that makes you lose control.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you’re a Gemini, otherwise known as the twins, then you’re super into three-ways. It’s a hard life to manage, but if you can pull it off then you’re doing great.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When you say you’re into long walks on the beach, you really mean it. You love to do everything — and we mean everything — at the beach. You also like to do it under the covers because they feel like a nice protective shell.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

People have always called you the leader of the pack, and it’s definitely true in the bedroom. The only problem is, most states won’t legalize polygamy, so your options on where to live are extremely limited.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The stars just want you to be lonely, apparently. Virgo’s symbol is the virgin. One way to look at is that you’re pure. Another way to look at it is everyone else lucked out but you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your love life’s all about balance. Just make sure you find a partner who’s also into balance, because falling during the act can cause some seriously embarrassing injuries.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your look at sex like a hunt. Which is not a good way to look at sex. If you’re a Scorpio, you might want to call the police and just give them a heads up. Seriously, you’re freaking everyone out.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Taylor Swift is a Sagittarius, so you’ll apparently never find true love. The upside though is that each heartbreak will work out very well for you financially. So well, in fact, that people will become suspicious about how broken your heart actually is.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You’re the goat, which unfortunately refers to the animal and not the “greatest of all time.” Garbage turns you on for some strange reason, but so does doing it on the side of a very steep mountain. You’re surprisingly skilled at balancing yourself in that situation.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’re the best ever and everyone wants to be with you. That’s totally what the stars say! I’m not just saying that because I’m writing this and I happen to be an Aquarius.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re a fish. You just kind of lay there and let stuff happen to you. It’s not bad, but it’s not great; it just is.

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